irene

why hello there.
i am eating kimchee (it's korean spicy cabbage, but i dont know how to spell it!) and pees and corn from our vegan bar. i also had plantanes and pasta salad. that was "dinner" but i bet i'll eat again. i eat A LOT.

i took a nap today and woke up really lonely. but i'm in an inexplicable good mood right now. i think i'm toking up later tonight before bed.
sleeping high is like the greatest thing ever.

i miss my bed at home.

i'm going to go find something art-related to do so i dont feel like a total fuck up.
w00.

like wicked love.
-ree

What kind of artist doesn’t even carry a pen? I mean, what was I thinking going out into the world without something to record with?
I take my drink and say thank you. With one sip I’m warm. Not like I was cold before, after all I’d struggled out of my duster while still out on the street, but it’s a different kind of warmth. Like a flood of christmasy memories, both good and bad (but mostly the former) and slightly scented with budding romances.
I sit down by window facing Providence’s single “indie” center in the process of a corporate takeover. I decide Providence is the hub and mecca of something, but what exactly I have not yet decided. Someone once told me that at dusk this is the perfect place to write, and you know what? I don’t care that it’s not dark yet, my pen’s floating along just fine. I stole this pen off the counter after realizing my stupidity.
The guy beside me looks like Kevin Devine. Only because every Irish male in his late 20’s with a beard and mustache looks like Kevin Devine to me. Good guy, that Kevin. I don’t even need to know him to know this. Consequently, everyone who looks like him has a pleasant aura. In fact, it’s really nice sitting next to this stranger. He’s working on some spreadsheet on an ibook. A mathematician. A scientist. A future world leader? Hah. Probably not. He looks too meek to be an asshole. I wanted to borrow a spare writing utensil from him earlier but failed to muster the courage to make conversation…
I talked last night with a boy from the inner city. We spoke about why we suburban kids always end up in the hospital with our wrists split open. Tell me, what’s the curse with money? He said he thought he knew. “Having a lot makes feel like you’re entitled to it all.” And it makes so much sense, and it applies to so much more…
I think a homeless man with a bad leg just walked in… maybe he’s not homeless… maybe I’m being unfair, but he’s carrying an empty coffee cup (out the garbage maybe?) and is standing in line with it. For what? Demand free refills? … Well, I don’t think they put it in the old cup, but he got something. Good. It’s a day for a warm drink.
But I cant help feeling like he’s here just to hear the din of conversation. Just to know he’s around people. He looks lonely. Maybe retarded, maybe mentally ill. Maybe just awkward, or sick, or having a bad day. Who knows, he could have millions of dollars underneath his floor boards, but just chooses to wear torn jeans and dirty sneakers. Or maybe he saved his pennies to come here. He leaves, crosses the street to Au bon Pain… is there a homely feeling there too where he can have short verbal exchanges with people and feel like he has friends? Hah, I don’t know, is that half the reason I come here too? No, no on second thought I don’t think it is. I come here to feel together in an aloneless that I cant find comfortably anywhere else. So I paid $3.56 for this wholeness today. So what? Maybe I’ll start scraping pennies like my fellow loner.
A few scrappy teenagers walk down an alleyway across the street, probably looking for a place to smoke pot undetected. I miss that invincibly cool feeling of being fifteen. To an extent it’s still quite here. I still feel invincible, and I still feel young. I’m just not sure how linked they are, nor can I figure out why everything seems to be coated with impermanence and sadness.
I keep checking the time, but where do I have to be, really? Yeah, there’s lunch, there’s work, there are hypothetical friends to go hang out with, but where do I have to go, really?
Great, I’m getting all philosophical and redundant now. Superb. Is it me, or does this place maybe just have that effect on people? When I borrowed this pen I planned to people watch, make some pithy observations, give back what isn’t mine, and leave. I’m on my seventh bank receipt and I am not returning this pen.

i have four tickets to the greenday show tomorrow, but i can't make it. a few days ago, i spilled boiling water on my thigh and stomach, and i am not somewhat covered in 2nd degree burns. the tickets are general admission, so there's no way i could go. i am in a pretty decent amount of pain. the people i was supposed to go with (my boyfriend, my sister, and her [now almost ex-] boyfriend) refuse to go without me as a sign of support. in short, we have $180 worth of tickets to get rid of. if anyone wants to go, is thinking about going, knows someone who needs tickets, is planning to buy tickets at the show tomorrow, or anything of the sort: PLEASE buy these off of me. it's really important.
i need to know ASAP, so you can reach me either by commenting, IMing: duckysdemise, or calling: 781 453 0158.
thanks

-irene

what a fucking mindtrip!
i just got friended on facebook by a girl who was my best friend in elementary school.
not my needham one, but evil schecter in providence, RI.
her name was tanya. she looks amazing.

but anyway, i got the idea to search for all the people i used to know
and i found quite a few.
i found someone who is going to almost every school my friends are going to.
one is going to brown, another to umass, another to northeastern, another to nyu, another to mcgill.
how fucking weird!
it's like these two worlds that have never mixed for me, suddenly have the possibility of colliding...


yeah... wow.

ok. so i was just reminded as to why i dont read my friend's page. no offense to anyone who is on my friend's page, BUT IT IS SO BORING! first of all, sorry Lia, but the Jack's Mannequin community must be stopped! you people are just out of control! and maybe somewhere along the lines i have just become a bitter old maid, but something about reading everyone's happy-go-lucky bullshit pisses me off. i was ernestly trying to get back on the lj circuit because it would be easier to keep in touch during college, but i just can't. somewhere between being obsessed with livejournal, and taking a break from it, i realized what a silly idea it is to write all your personal feelings and business in a journal you know others will read... rephrase: i realized what a silly idea it is FOR ME to write all my personal feelings and business in a journal i know others will read. in fact, it's often show-offy. like: "look how badass i am bitching someone out when i know they'll read it! oooh and maybe they'll bitch me out too, and then we can just have it out facelessly on livejournal and it'll all be easy!" haha. ok, so that was mean. i didnt mean it. ok so maybe i did, but it still wasnt nice. i should try to be more nice...
gosh i'm tired.

i'm alive.
a lot of other people arent.




there's a backyard show at my house on july 26th.
featuring our wonderul and local amy littlefield and brandon rainville,
the beautiful brendan hogan,
and, of course, the stupendous sharp teeth.
possibly more artists to come.
let me know if you know someone who may be interested in playing.
and come! if not for the bands, then come because it's my 18th birthday and i'm super!
27 newell ave in needham, ma.




i'll probbaly post that again a few times before the actual show.






yep.
hope everyone is well.
my heart goes out to all the victims of the tragedy in london, their families, and friends.
hello WWIII.

i am switching birth control brands as soon as this pill pack is over. this shit is doing a number on my head. i go from being happy, or at least alright, to being more unhappy than i can remember being ever in my life. i have lost all ability to rationalize situations, or to control my emotions. thus i am a complete wreck. i have cried at least once every day for the last three weeks, or more. i am extremely irritable, and after i snap at the source of my irritation, i am overcome with guilt. the guilt is usually where my tears come from. there is no way this is "post graduation" or "pre-college" anxiety. there is no way that this is me or my own mind. it can only be the birth control. and if it is, it's just foreshadowing the fact that i will be a VERY unhappy pregnant woman sometime in the future. god, i choked that pill down tonight as if it was burning my throat. it makes me so angry that i have to finish a week and two days on this horrible shit before i can do anything to stop it. but my mother is right when she says it's better for my body that way. god. i cant wait to be normal, and stable, happy, and social again. i barely remember what that feels like right now.

sleep well.


-"grumps"

i honestly think i am having a mental breakdown.

fucking commit me.

i hate everything so much.

i havent seen fans as dedicated as soco/jm fans in a long time.
my heart goes out to you guys.
but seriously, dont mourne him! andrew is still alive and doing quiet well, i'm sure.
and please remember that this is much harder on him and his family and close friends
than it is on you guys...



on a completely different note:
the female orgasm is 4 times as strong as the male orgasm.
thanks.



boston tomorrow with amy.
mission: to find a bathing suite that fits my boobs.

end.



postscript.
[stolen from steve pollack's away message]
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." - Oscar Wilde

the more i think about it
the more certain i am
that i'll asphyxiate next year.


it's june
and i already can't breathe.

i am so pissed off right now.

i want to make a t-shirt
and i can't find the ten-dollar paper i bought for printing stuff out and ironing it on.
god fucking damn!



anyone want to come to lawrence arms thursday?
someone who actually likes them would be awesomest
but beggars cant be choosers.

god.
god.
god.

it's days like this that i'm more positive than anything else that you are gone.
or you never were.

mark, i know you don't read this,
but you are in our hearts.

as much as i don't believe,
i'm still turning to this same god with prayers for corinne.
it's too late to pray for her father.

epiphany:

i miss livejournal.

i honestly didnt think it was possible.
i thought i had ODed to such an overwhelming extent,
and i felt it more forced on me than anything else,
but i actually, honestly miss it.

therefore i think i have decided to come back to livejournal
but on my own terms.
which means i only read what i want to read
(it's up to you if you want to summarize your entire day, but dont expect me to read it and memorize it)
and i only write about what i want to write, so if i ran into you i might not necessarily mention it. dont be hurt.

actually, i'm not even sure i'm coming back.
i find there to be a very thin line between being honest and being too honest,
and i am often very bad at distinguishing what should and shouldnt be said.
i know it's "my journal" just as it is "your journal" and therefore we all have the right to write whatever we want,
but it's irresponsible to not see the consequences of your words when you know someone will read them.
i'm not saying dont write,
i'm saying i'm not sure i am ready to.

so i'll see.
i just wanted to see i miss it here.
there's an empty part of my day where livejournal used to be,
and maybe as summer begins it will be filled again.


but i also know that i have goals for this summer-
spend as much time with the people i love
(my friends, my family, and my boyfriend)
as i can,
feed my soul a little bit every day,
make and save some money for next year,
stuff like that
and i dont want any silly computer to get in the way of that.

i just found out i'm sick.
and although i'm not going anywhere because of it
i need to deal with getting better.
first and foremost, i think.

i'm really looking forward to this summer.
to freedom.
to a lot of things.
one more week and it all officially begins.

i've changed a lot lately.
i no longer feel like i have any common ground with a lot of the people who used to share a square inch of understanding in this town with me.
i dont feel like i belong where i used to, or with whom i used to.
and i dont feel like writing here anymore.

who knows. this could be a phase, but it could be for real.
and i dont mean to disapear, but sometimes we need to do what we need to do.
so, bye bye livejournal. at least for a little bit.
and i'm sorry that i wont know what's going on with people anymore, or any such shallow nonsense. but hey: if you want me to know something, tell me about it! and if you want to know something about me, ask!

i'll keep posting in rollingboulders because it keeps me sane and occupied.
usually what's going on in there is what is going on in general, only in more cryptic ways.

i'll be going to RISD in the fall, and half of me already feels like i'm there.
the other wants so badly to keep one foot at home, wrapped in these familiar arms, but it knows it cant have what it craves.

i dont really know what i'm saying.
i hope people are well.
joe, i hope your dad pulls through. he's a fighter, remember that.
the world is big and scary and most of us are going off into it next year.
it's weird, and it's cool, and it's all a bit too real.
i always think too much when it rains.


bye.

sharpteeth are amazing.

i dont think those boys realize how much they mean to me [as friends first, and as a band second - a close second]



so,
thanks.







everyone please come to needham today!
i have that art show... remember? the address is 27 Newell Ave. mapquest it.
pleeeaaase be here. i love seeing familiar faces :)
that means everyone from wellesley, braintree, rockland, weymouth, uh... etc?
c'mon now.

i have never wanted to die as much as i do right now except the last time i missed jonah. this is the worst show in history.

this is very overdue. i owe it to you guys, and i owe it to him.  afterall, this is why he sent them to me in the first place...
oh, and this entry is public.

and now, a few poems from the absolutely incredible, gooselove:


( irene )




( be done )




( beautiful men )



( mumia )




ok.  wow.  in love.  hope you are too.

he's performing march 26th in northampton.  i'll be there.  who is with me?

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO MAKE ME AN ICON! I AM LAZY AND I HAVE NO PICTURES AND MY HAIR IS ALWAYS CHANGING BECAUSE I HAVE ADD AND I HATE EVERYTHING AND I KNOW NOTHING. BUT SOMEONE SHOULD SURPRISE ME AND MAKE ME AN ICON BECAUSE I LOOK 5 IN THE ONE I HAVE NOW.


thanks.

hey. im a highschool senior from MA and risd's my top choice. i just got into pratt, which is cool, but i dont want to go there.  i visited risd a few weeks ago and fell in love.  im really really scared i wont get in, though.  this url is to my photobucket where i have pictures of some examples of my work that i photographed in hopes of getting an artconspiracy account together. my "insert link" isnt working for some odd reason, please forgive.  anyway, please be honest, even if that means brutal, and let me know what you think and what kind of chance i have of getting in...

http://photobucket.com/albums/v211/reesky/Art%20Stuff/

much <3
-irene

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
some people make me so angry.
fucking fucking fucking liars.
dont feed me your bullshit.